Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
