community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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