I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
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