Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
