Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
