i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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