The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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