Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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