he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
So apparently I’m into choking now
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
