True but thats because hes a fetus.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
