Cold hands, warm shart.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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