He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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