please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
