Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
