I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
