I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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