there's paper in my vomit.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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