FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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