i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I think I won the penis lottery.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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