My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
