The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
