Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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