So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
