shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
