im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
