Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
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