You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I just made out with a guy for $7.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
