So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
high people should be assigned attendants
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
