if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize