i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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