Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
