my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
FUCK WHALES
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
