Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
