is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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