I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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