I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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