I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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