When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
He passed out mid-signature
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
