she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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