when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
