sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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