You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
