if only i could text you this smell
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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