SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
