Need sex. Gaining weight.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
