Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize