dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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