There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Randomize
