Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
