Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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