im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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