remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
