Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
even my farts smell like vagina
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
