I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Randomize
