I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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