gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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