I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
