marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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