Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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